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The Apprentice episode 3: If I knew what "rapport" was, I'd bottle it and sell it

It’s episode three and the Luxury Savoy hotel is about to reopen having been refurbished – but it’s missing a few vital things (dun dun duhhhh). The fate of the grand opening rests on the contestants – it’s up to the wannabes to go and get the finishing touches. The teams have to find ten luxury items at cheap prices. Off to M&S then?

Lord Sugar throws some emasculating comments the boys’ way and does a little switcheroo so every boy has female supervision. I pause to have a little laugh at the girls’ faces when they realise they’ve been condemned to Team Logic.

Susan is the first to put herself forward as the leader of Team Venture. She gets voted in and the excitement looks like it might kill her – kind of like an ignored younger sibling who’s suddenly allowed to join a game in after years of begging. Be cool, Susie.

Gavin put himself forward for Team Logic. He’s a business owner, you see, so he understands… you know? Buying things! He’s also a worthy business partner to Lord Sugar because he’s started his own business – clearly forgetting that almost everyone on the show has, at some point, started their own business.

Gavin gets voted in and starts his leadership strongly by asking everyone what a cloche is. Call yourself posh? OK, I didn’t know either – but to be fair, the word has about five different meanings. Do they want a bell? A flapper hat from the 1920s? Throw them a bone, Lord Sugar!

Over at Team Venture, Susan says the further East you go in London the cheaper things get. That’s what happens when you spend your entire weekend watching the Eastenders omnibus. We find out what a cloche is! It’s a catering lid! Hallelujah.

Five minutes in and Susan is doing surprisingly well – Nick Hewer calls her a “little force to be reckoned with”. Ah, even when she’s succeeding people can’t help but patronise her!

Meanwhile on Team Logic, Natasha does her new team name proud by calling a rival hotel and asking for their supplier’s list – she calls it a “win win” situation. Er, how?

On the way to the first stop, Susan tells Team Venture to start negotiations by offering “like, a fiver”. Probably won’t go down to well with the most high-end hat shop in London that charges around £350 per hat! Unsurprisingly, their negotiations didn’t go too well.

Meanwhile smooth operator, Jim, is making all the deals in the steak shop and comes up with the idea of “bottling rapport and selling it”. Sadly, Jim doesn’t know what “rapport” is – otherwise he’d be all over that.

Meanwhile Team Logic still doesn’t know what a “cloche” is and start heading towards a garden centre. Despite being a car crash waiting to happen, Team Logic is still inadvisably confident. Captain Hook, AKA Vincent, makes a wisecrack about being in charge of three strong ladies. I throw up in my mouth a little.

At this point I’ve figured out that they’re probably not allowed to use Google, given that Team Logic has already spent half the episode trying to figure out what a cloche is and went to a dry cleaner to ask where they could buy a top hat – all questions that could be answered by, say, turning on a computer.

Half way through the episode and I’ve developed a massive crush on Irish cheeky chappy, Jim. I stop watching properly while floating away on his lyrical accent…

But, back to business. Susan is still grossly underestimating the price of everything, particularly as they keep going for the best of the best. She estimates that tea will cost her £30 – it’s almost worth the agony of watching just to see her expression when she’s quoted £900.

Back in the boardroom and Team Venture gets a grilling from Lord Sugar for going too upmarket. “Where is your brains?” He asks them. None of them knows where they is.

Team Venture won by £8. Somehow they were rewarded for winning by the skin of their teeth with an evening out in Covent Garden. I would have given them the £8 to share and sent them on their way! See if they can negotiate their way into a high-end London club with their winnings. Ha!

The next day, the losing team was back in the boardroom. Within five seconds, Gavin had blamed the leads given to him by Lord Sugar. Yep, blame the guy with the power to fire you. Go Team Logic! Everyone talks at once and blames each other. I have a little nap – get on with it!

Gavin brings Captain Hook and Zoe back into the boardroom. They all talk over each other and argue some more. Lord Sugar tells Captain Hook to cut the crap: “I know you’re Belgian and that’s where the waffles come from” he chortles. How droll.

In the end, Gavin’s miserable attempt at leading a team cost him his place in the competition. Vincent, Zoe, you’re still in the running to becoming America’s Next Top… whoops, may have switched the channel there!
Join us next week for more chuckles, and don’t forget to watch The Apprentice at 9pm on Wednesday evenings, BBC1.

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