2 minute read

The Apprentice – Episode 9 Really Takes the Biscuit

This week, the two teams were tasked with inventing, branding and selling their own biscuit. Sweet.

In case you’re finding it difficult to keep up with the ever-changing teams, Natasha, Jim and Helen are now Team Venture and Melody, Susan, Zoe and Tom are now Team Logic. If I was put on Team Logic, I’d keep a suitcase packed… the odds wouldn’t exactly be stacked in my favour…

Anyway, Helen puts herself forward for leader of Team Venture, because she works in the food industry. Susan puts herself forward for leader of Team Logic… because she… erm… works with cosmetics… and cosmetics have ingredients! That’s the same, right? Zoe doesn’t think so, and slaps Susan down, as Nick Hewer put it: “as somebody slaps down a yapping puppy.” Ouch.

After a laborious baking and testing process, in which mad scientist Tom (he’s an inventor, you know) creates some sort of bizarre Frankenstein-style Digestive-Shortbread hybrid biscuit (perhaps the strapline should be “it’s aliiiiiive”) half of which is covered in chocolate. The concept is based around the fact that you can snap and share it, ostensibly leaving somebody with the short end of the stick (or biscuit) ie, the one without chocolate, every time.

I do, however, like the name “BixMix” even if it sounds a bit like puppy food. Melody spends most of the task whining in the background about how she wants to do a heart shaped biscuit. NOOOW. I contemplate muting the TV.

Any time is treat time. That’s the brilliant idea Jim’s come up with for a ridiculously high-sugar, high-fat after school snack. Natasha tries to justify this by saying that when school ends, that becomes “any time”. Shouldn’t she be on Team Logic?
Zoe and Melody spend most of the episode sniping at each other like a couple of five year olds fighting over what game to play. It’s boring so I zone out a bit, but needless to say they both come off looking like petulant infants, particularly during their spectacular supermarket tantrum, where Zoe actually waggles her finger at Melody.

After they’ve branded their biscuits, with the Frankenstein biscuit inexplicably packaged in a girlie purple packet and Venture’s product packaging basically ripping off every other children’s snack on the market, it’s time to present to three major supermarkets. Whoever gets the most orders wins.

Melody and Tom decide to start a serious business pitch with an excruciatingly uncomfortable role play in which they’re husband and wife. Or something. The next pitch is equally awkward, as Zoe and Melody decide to change tack and say they’re aiming the BixMix products at girls on a night in… except they decide to do another role play and, having just had a shouting match, you can cut the tension between them with a knife.

In the end, smooth talking beautiful, beautiful Jim wins out by promising multi-million advertising campaigns and an endorsement from Harry Potter (the movie franchise, not the wizard). He gets 800,000 orders for Team Venture and losers Team Logic get none. Fail.

Cue more sniping in the boardroom between Zoe and Melody. Zoe has suddenly decided she didn’t like the biscuit in the first place and that must all be poor Tom’s fault. Or Melody’s. But definitely not hers. Lord Sugar doesn’t buy it and Zoe gets sent home.

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