2 minute read

The Apprentice Episode 5 – A real dog’s dinner

After failing dismally to master beauty in last week’s episode, it’s time to see how Lord Sugar’s protégés tackle the beast – and who will be on the receiving end of his pointy finger and pointy, pointy words this week.
The apprentices were tasked with making a dog’s dinner. No, Lord Sugar hasn’t just given up any pretence of asking them to do a good job, they were literally asked to make a dog’s (or cat’s) dinner – then brand and advertise it to a group of industry experts.

Glen was given the reigns for Team Venture because he’s really, really creative, and four-time loser, Captain Hook (AKA Vincent), was put in charge of Team Logic. You can see where this is going.

The episode mainly focused on the blossoming bromance between Irish romance novel hero, (OK, maybe just in my head) Jim, and Vincent. Vincent seemed incapable (at least was edited to seem incapable) of making any decisions without staring lovingly at Jim and begging for his opinion first – opinions which would send them to the dog house (ho ho ho) later in the episode.

Over on Team Logic, Vincent decided that he wanted to brand tins of dog food that every dog could eat. Despite the advice of industry experts, vets and dog owners, all of whom felt that owners think of their dogs as special and that creating an all-encompassing brand of dog food is virtually impossible, Vincent went ahead with his plan, prompting Jim to come up with “EveryDog”.

Glen spent most of the episode bouncing up and down like an excited puppy, telling everyone how creative he is, ignoring the ideas of the rest of his team and going with the truly awful slogan “CatSize – See their light.” The English student in me is proper excited like – let’s take this apart: Cat Size, like cats’ eyes… geddit? Cause every cat wants to eat their own eyes… good use of imagery! And “see their light”, like the light in their eyes… because they’re so happy to be eating cats’ eyes… but then, they’re also lighter, because they weigh less! See, they’re light? Glen is a true poet.

The commercial castings were like watching an episode of America’s Next Top Dog (or cat) – “I don’t think she’s quite right for our commercial”, says Leon, AKA Tyra. The Apprentice manages to achieve the impossible and give cats and dogs self-esteem complexes.

Amazingly, CatSize, Cats’ Eyes, See their light, See, they’re light? Managed to win. I shouted at the TV. Lord Sugar didn’t listen.

In the boardroom, Lord Sugar accused Vincent of being up a tree with Jim, k-i-s-s-i-n-g a-r-s-e. Jim started talking himself into a hole, giving it all the trash talk that I thought was beneath him – I plugged my ears, shut my eyes and pretended it wasn’t happening – I was falling slightly out of love with Jim with each sentence, and when he started arguing with Lord Sugar I thought he was done for. Ready to consign myself to another few months of watching the less attractive people mess up the tasks, I was suddenly pleasantly surprised when Vincent’s all-consuming love for Jim kept him out of the boardroom.

Instead, Vincent brought Natasha back into the boardroom, one of the only people to receive praise from Lord Sugar during the whole process. Smart move Vincent. He also brought back in Ellie. Lord Sugar miraculously noticed that Ellie was in the room and fired her. He then fired Vincent too for good measure. Guess he’ll be eating EveryMan chow for the unemployed from now on.

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